Grand Jurors Just Waiting For Perfect Cop To Indict


NEW YORK, N.Y. — In a statement to the media, members of grand juries from across the landscape of the American justice system who have chosen to let police officers walk free in two recent, high-profile cases explained they are just waiting for the perfect cop to indict.

“When we finally do indict, it’s gonna be a real slam dunk,” said four-time grand jury member Michaela Pinkston. “You are going to hate this cop so much.”

“Believe me, you are not going to want to be this hypothetical officer we will someday move to indict,” said an anonymous juror number 11. “He is going to be in a real heap of shit.”

“He might even get convicted of manslaughter in a real, actual trial,” the anonymous juror added.

Jurors explained the last few cases of police killing unarmed black men have relied too much on eyewitness testimony, forensics, coroner statements, and full recorded video of the attack to warrant an indictment. Jurors stated that in order to go through the hassle of conducting an actual trial, which is the keystone of any modern justice system, they need to be presented with a narrative that completely eliminates any possible shred of doubt. Until then it’s a waiting game.

“These cops are going to eventually realize they can’t go around shooting and strangling willy-nilly,” said jury alternate Phillip Kokkinos. “One day we will find one to make an example of, and it will be perfect.”

Jurors insisted they will indict once the circumstances are 100% optimal and every social and political group’s interests are fully considered and represented.

“For instance, if there is ever cop who is a former Nazi who has confirmed Al Qaeda ties and he lobs a grenade at a baby, we will most definitely indict,” said veteran juror Paul Stephenson.

Cole Moser does understand how stressful a real trial might be for a police officer who killed an unarmed human.

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