Government Report Names Thigh Gaps #1 Threat To American Security

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FORT MEADE, Md. – A new government report issued Wednesday has confirmed that thigh gaps are now considered the preeminent threat to Americans’ security.

The Director of the National Security Agency Adm. Michael Rogers, in cooperation with CIA officials and the Department of Homeland Security, published the alarming findings that the existence of a thigh gap, as well as the size of said gap, poses a greater threat than terrorism abroad.

“After personally reviewing tens of thousands of private text messages and emails, I’m convinced that the genetically predetermined distance between a woman’s inner thighs is a far greater everyday terror to U.S. citizens than Al-Qaeda,” said the Admiral at an NSA headquarters press conference.

Adm. Rogers was blunt when addressing the media’s concerns about the actual level of danger the U.S. should expect from this new menace.

“This is an infiltration of domestic terrorism, affecting nearly half our nation’s population–so large it can only be compared to the Cankles Scare of 2006,” said Rogers.

The 2013 Female Body Insecurity Survey released in February by researchers at the University of North Carolina supports the report’s conclusions.

“Our research culled from write-in surveys indicates that thigh gaps are now the gold standard for corporal terror,” said Dept. of Sociology Chairman Professor Ernest Hoffman. “They easily surpassed the top threats of the recent past: constantly fending off sexual advances from supposedly ‘nice guys’ who make you feel guilty for just liking them as a friend even though you’ve made your feelings very clear, Joel, and being the Miranda of the group.”

Though researchers agree that thigh gap-related terror has drastically increased, no one has been able to determine a definitive cause for the spike.

“The leading theory right now is called Objectification Consequence Theory,” explained Hoffman. “It has something to do with constantly bombarding the developing minds of children with millions of flashy, highly-polished images of unattainable beauty and holding up that beauty as the zenith of life. But no one knows anything for sure yet.”

President Obama has scheduled an emergency televised address for this evening where he, alongside Michelle Obama, with her ageless skin and impossibly toned arms, will comment on the report.

Joshua Murphy has a Pinterest board named “Thinspo.”

Image by Favim.

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Joshua Murphy is a stand-up comedian and writer based out of Chicago, IL. Though a young comic he has moved up in the comedy world with a unique style of personal storytelling that seems strangely obsessed with the darkly absurd. He was the winner of 2010 Bloomington Comedy Festival. In addition to performing at the inaugural Limestone Comedy Festival in 2013, he also performed at the 2014 Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland, OR. And based on the writing of this bio, it is unnerving how comfortable he is writing in the third person.