WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite appearing in the Oval Office with a dire warning about a divided America, the spirit of 33rd president Harry Truman has announced that it is having trouble maintaining Trump’s attention.
“When I roused POTUS from his nap with a stern warning about national harmony, the president literally rubbed his eyes, interrupted me with a compliment, and fell asleep before he could finish sleep-tweeting,” said the soul of the 33rd president, who roams the White House corridors and occasionally grants advice to the executive branch. “It’s like I’m talking to Gerald Ford all over again, except without all the inside jokes about the Cold War.”
According to ethereal sources, multiple other deceased presidents have also experienced difficulty communicating with the 45th president.
“It doesn’t matter if I moan like a tortured wraith, or speak to him as a father would a son,” said president Calvin Coolidge, who, like his predecessors, traded everlasting paradise for the ability to impart wisdom to whoever holds the title of Commander in Chief. “A few months ago Lincoln and I spent an hour trying to convince him to stop complimenting Vladimir Putin. When we brought up the subject again two days later, Trump literally mistook us for the White House kitchen staff. It was unbelievable.”
As of press time, the ghosts of Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan had confessed to finding Trump’s behavior to be highly admirable and stated that they actually saw a lot of themselves in the new president.
Don Plattner is ready to be counseled by a bunch of ghosts.