How To Get Your Body Back After Birthing The Anti-Christ

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Congratulations, you’ve now been through the universal experience of immaculate satanic conception! But how do you get your smoking pre-baby body back? Now that Satan and his legion of minions have possessed your pre-baby body, you’ll need some handy tips to get it back!

1. Start Whispering Prayers While On The Elliptical

Just kidding, silly–you can’t go on an elliptical without A BODY. Now that your spawn is out in the world ruining everyone’s chance at peace, you’ll have to settle for saying restorative prayers at the same rhythmic pace of an elliptical machine!

2. Diet On Bread And Water

This is a great opportunity to bond with other moms over how your bodies are now purely voids and shame vessels, post-baby. For you, the struggle is more real as your whole body has been snatched by Satan. Fast on bread and water for the duration of your wait for the return of your pre-baby body. Invite the girls to join you as many of them will be on carb cleanses themselves!

3. Correlate Your Sleep Schedule With The Moon Cycles

Getting a good night’s sleep is essential for good metabolism and maintaining a healthy weight. Harnessing moon power is essential for good metabolism and fighting the Satanic forces that have abducted and hidden your pre-baby body!

4. Limit Your Sedentary Time To Horror Films

It’s essential that you keep yourself moving if you want a true chance at getting back your baby body. For those short hours you find yourself resting, fixate on images of horror and abstraction (tip: pop in some Lars Von Trier). This way your mind has a higher chance of tracing the demon voices that are now viciously circling your pre-baby body!

5. Connect With Nature Through Smoke Signals

Connecting with nature is instrumental in human health and guiding our bodies towards balance. Given that, nothing says “I’m going to get my pre-baby body back” quite like combining the fires of hell with the glories of trees! Find a deep, dark forest, and send out strategic smoke signals that will say: “Hey Satan, MY PRE-BABY BODY, MY DECISIONS!”

If none of these practical steps work, remember that it was worth it in order to birth powerful forces of evil. The peril of your pre-baby body is just a small thing, compared to the imminent destruction of peace and humanity!

Bronwyn Isaac is a vocal member of the post-Satanic-baby-body acceptance movement

Image by flickr.

 

 

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Bronwyn Ariel Isaac is a retired bridge troll who currently resides in laundromats all over Chicago (primarily Pilsen/Little Village). She attended The School of the Art Institute of Chicago for writing right before the United States fully transformed into a bad 1950s sitcom. You can occasionally spot her in public telling edgy puns, reading poetry/essays out loud, pretending to do stand up comedy, and pouring out the remaining crumbs of her soul to complete strangers.