Former Straight-D Student Gets To Man The Mounted Machine Gun


FERGUSON, Mo. — For an unspecific period of time yesterday, former straight-D student and current police officer Matt Redmond got to man the mounted machine gun atop one of the St. Louis County Police Department’s military-grade armored vehicles, sources at the scene have reported.

The 2010 graduate of McCluer South High School, who failed to fully grasp the basic concepts of remedial mathematics, science, and both the Spanish and English languages, joined the Ferguson Police Department three years ago after a short stint as a part-time technician for his uncle’s construction business.

“I didn’t get accepted into the Marines, so these past couple days have been really fun for me and a lot of the guys,” said Redmond, 22, only a few years removed from struggling to understand valent and covalent bonds.

Redmond, who just weeks ago was issuing turn signal violations in the St. Louis suburb, was the lucky winner of an informal police drawing and got to climb to the top of the Lenco BearCat G3’s oscillating turret and point the mounted M4 submachine gun at nonviolent protesters for several hours.

“I enjoyed that a lot,” said Redmond, who came very close to failing Geometry his senior year, after climbing down from the Bearcat’s roof. “I felt powerful and feared.”

“Our job here is to justify to state and municipal politicians that the police department’s purchase of military grade weapons and vehicles was absolutely necessary, so it doesn’t look like we’re just wasting tax dollars and needlessly furthering the military industrial complex,” said Redmond.

“I’m very proud to have helped achieve that goal,” he added.

Cole Moser is pretty sure the police aren’t the troops so nobody can get mad.

Image by AP/Jeff Roberson.