Foodie Caught Dead In Olive Garden


HANOVER, Md. — A local foodie’s worst fears were realized late Tuesday night when her lifeless body was discovered in an Olive Garden near the Arundel Mills Mall outside of Baltimore, authorities have reported.

29-year-old Melissa Agee of the D.C. area was a vocal critic of the Italian-inspired eatery and, according to sources, was reluctantly breaking her longstanding chain restaurant boycott to attend a family birthday. To her probable dismay, frequent claims that she would never be caught dead in an Olive Garden were tragically false.

An undiagnosed heart arrhythmia coupled with the massive sodium overload due to the unlimited breadsticks and heavily seasoned Tortellini al Forno apparently overwhelmed her coronary system and caused cardiac arrest when she excused herself to the ladies’ room. She was found unconscious in a bathroom stall and despite the efforts of local EMTs was unable to be resuscitated.

“This is a woman who subsisted on local, farm-raised poultry and kale-and-leek salads for what looks to be years,” said Arundel county coroner Pat McIntyre. “Her body just couldn’t handle the hydrogenated oils, preservatives and inert fillers. It probably just shut down.”

“This is so incredibly tragic,” said friend and fellow foodie Stephanie Andrizzi. “Not that she died but where she died. She was an epicure with the most distinguishing palate I’ve ever known.”

“She was my best friend, I knew all of her hopes and dreams,” added Andrizzi. “She wanted to die at a cute brunch spot, peacefully choking to death on a shaved black truffle and Iberico ham frittata.”

At press time, officials at Olive Garden headquarters have expressed sympathy and offered condolences to the bereaved.

“We are saddened by Ms. Agee’s passing at location #633,” said general manager Jim Ostrowski. “A complimentary tiramisu will be sent to the wake because when you die here, we’re very sorry for your family.”

Cole Moser can’t put a limit on the list of chain restaurants he could possibly die in.

Image by LME Guides.