First Paragraph Of Pitchfork Review Has Nothing To Do With Anything Possibly Related To Album


CHICAGO — After carefully reading and rereading the opening paragraph of a newly posted album review to the website, some longtime readers noted that it had absolutely nothing to do with the album in question.

“I was really interested to read Pitchfork’s take on this underground band’s new album that had been so divisive amongst my friends,” said Michael Shumka, an avid fan of the website’s often intricate and critical deconstructions of music. “However, the whole first paragraph was about the implausibility of time travel or some shit like that. I don’t understand why it was included.”

Shortly after the story was first broken to the Chicago Tribune, a flood of new visitors to the website discovered that this was far from an isolated incident.

“I had read a few reviews here and there, but when I heard the story I decided to do some more investigating,” said Greg Clemens, a 34-year-old city clerk. “After reading a handful of reviews in a row it was obvious that the first couple paragraphs of most of their articles seem to be a fever dream the writer was having while staring at the cover art. Plus, they didn’t even review Spacehog’s 2013 comeback classic, As It Is On Earth, and I felt personally slighted by that.”

Despite the blowback, many Pitchfork loyalists have stepped up to defend these contentious opening statements that at least one detractor called “incoherent nightmare babble.”

“Who’s to say that Graham Parsons’ influence on The Byrds during the recording of Sweetheart of the Rodeo didn’t bring about a revolutionary, albeit ultimately untenable, vision to a failing enterprise tantamount only to the uneasy accord the Peace of Westphalia granted the loose confederation of German principalities immediately following the Thirty Years’ War,” said Marcia Clarke, a 29-year-old freelance journalist. “If you can’t see the obvious connection between a series of 17th century treatises that helped to establish the right of self-governance within sovereign nation-states and an album that basically re-legitimized country music in an era dominated by politically oriented rock music, then I guess you should just find another music review website that allows for 100 different delineations of value.”

As of press time, no intelligible answer has been made available to make sense of why  roughly 67% of all Pitchfork album reviews either name-check Werner Herzog’s Fitzcarraldo and/or mention the shadow left upon modern lo-fi music by the immediate post-Dinosaur Jr. output of Lou Barlow.

Joshua Murphy constantly refers to himself as a “busy bee.”

Image by wikimedia.

Previous articleBarbara Walters Remembers Younger, Happier Barbara Walters
Next articlePodcast: ‘It’s All True!’ Ep. 32 w/ actor Gregory Hollimon
Joshua Murphy is a stand-up comedian and writer based out of Chicago, IL. Though a young comic he has moved up in the comedy world with a unique style of personal storytelling that seems strangely obsessed with the darkly absurd. He was the winner of 2010 Bloomington Comedy Festival. In addition to performing at the inaugural Limestone Comedy Festival in 2013, he also performed at the 2014 Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland, OR. And based on the writing of this bio, it is unnerving how comfortable he is writing in the third person.