Finger Declared National Bird


WASHINGTON D.C. — This week, in a surprising bipartisan display, Congress successfully dropped the Bald Eagle and changed the United States National Bird to the finger, sources confirmed.

Congresswoman Suzan Delbene (D – Wash.) made the proposal accidentally, when a fellow representative suggested the avian mascot be changed and she responded “Hey buddy, I got what you can change it to right here!”

Her claim resulted in raucous cheers and jeers that lasted twenty minutes.

When the proposal was first put to Congress legislative experts assumed the issue would stall due to partisan fighting, but it soon became obvious that the parties could not help showing their support for the issue at hand by raising their own.

“The Bald Eagle is a bold animal that served as an important symbol for our country to this point, but we enter a new era,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. “Rather than an endangered species that none of us will ever use in traffic, we have updated our nation’s bird to one that any citizen can raise to another in the way that we’d like to raise it to the rest of the world moving forward.”

Ian Abramson’s second favorite bird is the Great Tit.

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Ian Abramson does not exist, but his lifelong dream is to do so, at least part-time. Until then, he performs whenever and wherever. His favorite place to write is here, and his favorite time to write is the Middle Ages. He's very excited to be featured here today because last night he wasn't anywhere at all and voids make him feel empty inside. Also, because he produces Double Feature at the Lincoln Lodge, which has both stand-up and short films. If you like his performance you can see him in the mirror, because he lives inside all of us. When your eye itches, that's him.