PORTLAND, Maine — The as-yet-unnamed fetus of Barbara Johnson was arrested yesterday for the theft of its mother’s vital nutrients, according to local authorities.
The theft was reported by the fetus’ father Robert Johnson, 36, who had noticed a change in his wife’s energy level and usually “perky” attitude in the last five months.
“She’s just been really annoying,” Robert said. “She’s sick all the time and sleeps a lot and actually wants me to help with stuff like grocery shopping and cleaning. I was kind of into the baby thing at first, but if it’s going to take this much of her time, then something has to be done.”
Feeling that the fetus’ “neediness” was the source of the problem and fearing that things might worsen with the birth of the child, Robert decided to intervene. Police arrived at the family’s residence hours later and attempted to arrest the fetus but, finding that impossible without committing a crime against God, took Barbara into custody instead.
After vomiting for the fourth time that day, Barbara commented on her situation, “He’s just pissed because I don’t make him milkshakes while he plays with his PS4 anymore. Mostly because the smell of mint chocolate chip ice cream makes me gag.” Barbara then excused herself to the bathroom again.
“Look, if you’re going to arrest our baby for being a pain in the ass, then you might as well go to the source and arrest his balls for being an asshole,” Barbara later added.
The fetus will likely be released today as there is no precedent for its case, mostly because it’s completely ludicrous.
Erin Zimmerman is innocent until proven pregnant.
Image by Jerrod Philipps.