WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the indictments handed down yesterday by FBI Director Robert Mueller to three members of the Trump campaign, an additional indictment of Trump policy adviser Stephen Miller based solely on his general appearance was made public this morning.
“It’s more of a gut feeling I have,” said Mueller in the statement released to the press. “There’s something off.”
Miller’s sleepy, sunken eyes and gaunt, unhealthy face have long disturbed Beltway insiders and even some members of the Trump team.
“That dehydrated potato should probably be in jail for something,” said a White House cabinet member speaking anonymously. “I’m not exactly sure what but something.”
Miller, who claims to be 32 but may actually be 800 years old, joined the Trump campaign in January 2016 and reportedly sleeps 20 minutes a night standing upright and eats only soup.
“If we get Nosferatu’s weird nephew [Miller] on the stand I bet there’s a whole bunch of stuff that will come out,” read a leaked FBI memo. “He’s gotta be guilty of something. No one just looks like that and doesn’t at least launder money or diddle kids.”
The news has delighted many in progressive circles who had long been convinced that Miller’s mouth contains multiple rows of small, sharp teeth and that’s what the deal was.
“Something tells me he digs at night a lot,” said Deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe in a press briefing this morning.
Cole Moser was once subpoenaed by the Department of Cute.
Image by Andrew Harnik/AP