FDA Introduces Food Pentagram


WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration continued to challenge conventional executive policy yesterday when the Food and Drug Administration introduced a new set of nutritional guidelines for Americans under the Food Pentagram.

The FDA announced from its twitter that it was “excited to help Americans live happier and healthier lives with these new criteria,” sharing the diagram’s five points, each representing the appropriate portions of corn, Kraft brand cheese, beef, Coca-Cola, and Jolly Ranchers that Americans should consume daily. The administration’s full statement also mentioned how eating along the guidelines of the Food Pentagram would also help American workers in each of these industries.

“Hard working Americans at the Jolly Rancher factory have been left behind long enough,” read the official statement. “Now is the time to shape up and show our support by sucking on plenty of their delicious products.”

The Food Pentagram is the first major policy directive under newly appointed Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price, who claims that his 20 years as a physician can attest to the wholesomeness of “this all-American diet.”

“Listen, there is no bodily problem that can’t be solved with a steak, some ched’ and a two liter of Coke,” said the country’s highest ranking health official.

The administration is fighting back against near universal condemnation from doctors and health boards across the country, who criticize the Pentagram’s exclusion of plant foods and its focus on recommending particular corporate products known to cause chronic health problems.

“America was a world power until everyone started sucking on carrots all the time,” President Trump wrote in an official White House memo. “The carrot-sucking era is over. Mouthfuls of ground beef will restore the American worker’s former glory.”

At press time, it was revealed that the diagram was lifted straight from Steve Bannon’s food journal.

Patrick Reilly is the only reporter still allowed in the White House.

Image by Snyler Todgrass.