Face Masks That Will Never Wash Away Original Sin


You can have clear skin, but you can never have a clear conscience because you are descended from Eve, the first woman, who transgressed against God’s wishes and inspired the curse of painful childbirth and icky periods for all women to come. Here are some face masks that can make you have a pretty face, though!

Mud Mask

A mud mask is a classic that can improve elasticity in your face, giving you a youthful complexion. The mask will minimize pores, wrinkles, and lines–but it will never minimize the crime of all womankind when Eve disobeyed God’s single commandment in the Garden of Eden. It is because of that single action that you are doomed forever. Your skin looks good though!

Oatmeal Mask

An oatmeal mask is actually fantastic for moisturizing your skin. Blend oatmeal with mashed bananas for a fine mask that moisturizes your skin for a healthy glow. Oatmeal is a humectant which means it retains moisture and your menstrual cycle if meant to be a painful reminder of the childbirth you are doomed to endure as punishment for Eve being convinced by Satan-as-snake to eat an apple. It feels like God could have been like “Hey, heads up, if an animal talks that’s Satan.” But he didn’t! And because of that you have been punished and subjugated for millennia! Add lemon for a bit of shine.

Honey Mask

This mask is great because it uses a common household product: honey. Lather a thin layer of honey over your face and leave on for about fifteen minutes. You can add a pinch of cinnamon because that apparently does something, but let’s face it: You are still going bleed every single month because God hath smote your kind for ages.

Holy Water

Pour a vat of holy water onto your face while you cry, “Why, God, why won’t you forgive Eve?!” It will give your skin a dewy complexion that balances your skin tone and possibly gets you kicked out of a Catholic Church for wasting their holy water.


Prayer and devotion to God are really the only ways to cleanse your original sin. Even then, it’ll never ever go away. Literally no matter what you do! God doesn’t absolve women of original sin. He’s still super duper mad at Eve about it and taking it out on all of her female descendants for thousands of years. It’s chill, though, because you can pray for your blackheads to go away and maybe God will be into granting that prayer like a clear-skin genie. Otherwise, you’re basically fucked. Sorry, it’s just the evils of human nature that you had no control over!

Stephanie Weber has terrible skin, just as God intended. 

Image by zenspa1.