BROOKLYN — In a show of riches characteristic of the robber barons of the Gilded Age, the fabulously wealthy Shahbaz Duncan regularly replaces socks whenever the hell he feels like it.
Using an evaluation method only a man of extravagant means could possibly understand or agree with, Duncan has been known to get a goddamned new pair of socks for something as trivial as a hole that exposes the big toe.
“It’s no big deal,” said Duncan, practically smirking at the filthy unwashed masses. “I try to make it a habit to get new socks about every six months. That way they keep that nice tight elastic feeling and don’t go all gray,” he continued, describing features only the richest bastards can have as criteria for their footwear. “I feel like spending the money is worth it. I mean, it’s only a couple bucks right?”
A tour of Mr. Duncan’s dresser revealed no fewer than a dozen pairs of socks, a collection that would embarrass even the most oil-rich Emir. “They had a great deal at Target, a pack of six for ten bucks, so I grabbed two bags,” said Duncan, blithely unaware that the vast wealth he displays so carelessly is of the same type that French aristocrats showed shortly before the guillotine was rolled out.
“I swear every time I turn around Shahbaz is getting another pair of socks,” said Duncan’s roommate James Kim. “I’ve been wearing the same damn socks since I was twelve years old. They’re not even really socks anymore. They’re more like a loose cloth I wrap around my foot. It must be nice for Rockefeller here to have tens of dollars to throw around whenever he feels like it.”
At press time Duncan, further flaunting the rules of modesty and good taste, had decided to buy brand name laundry detergent.
Quinn Formel buys whatever socks he damn well pleases.
Image by warmsleepy.