ASTORIA, N.Y. — According to sources, longtime Subway manager Bianca Stevens is extremely disappointed to see you eating there again. Stevens, who’s managed the Subway franchise located at 33rd St. and Ditmars for the past four years just doesn’t understand why you’d be there of all places yet again.
“It’s not that I’m upset that you come here and spend money– don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great that you do– but for God’s sake don’t you know that there are other, much better options around here?” said Stevens regarding her disappointment in you.
Stevens, 27, explained that most people who come into her Subway are either in a rush or recent transplants who don’t know any place better yet. “I figured once you got a feel for the neighborhood you’d stop coming in so much. People eat what they’re familiar with until they realize that literally any other place around is so much better.”
“I obviously don’t have anything against Subway,” Stevens continued. “I sell Subway and I stand by the product, but Jesus Christ. Nobody should eat Subway more than once a week unless they’re on a cross-country road trip.”
Stevens also opined that if you’re eating Subway more than once week she would have to question whether something has happened to your taste buds.
Subway employee Evan Busa shared his boss’ disappointment in the fact that you’re here again.
“Don’t you know that you can just buy bread and meat?” Busa, 22, said. “It’s not like what we’re doing is rocket science here.” Busa continued his rant about your seemingly bare-minimum food standards, saying, “I know we lean into that whole ‘sandwich artist’ thing, but you’ve gotta know that’s just some marketing horse shit. I mean, you have to know that by now. You’ve eaten enough of our sandwiches to know that this is far from art.”
Another of Stevens’ employees, Kristy McBride, seemed more confused than anything else. “I mean, you seem nice enough I guess, but I eat here for free and I don’t eat here as often as you do,” McBride said. “When you first started coming in I thought you were one of those weirdos who was here to hit on me. Turns out you just really like Subway. Choking down Subway five days a week because you’re too shy to ask someone out is one thing, but doing it just because you like it? Honestly, I don’t know which one is worse.”
At press time, Stevens sighed and said, “I appreciate the business, but for Christ’s sake go out and get some variety. It’s just depressing to see someone live like this.”
Adam Sokol can be found at his local Blimpie.