Economy Braces As Nation’s First Wave Of Dakotas Enters Workforce


WASHINGTON D.C. — The nation’s economy is bracing for impact this week as the first recognized wave of Americans named Dakota enters the workforce.

According to the Center for Economic Studies in Washington, an estimated 500,000 students with the first name Dakota will graduate high school or college in mid-May, meaning an influx of 18-to-22-year-olds now trying to join an already crowded job market.

The first name Dakota, used in vast rural regions of the Midwest, reached its height in popularity in the mid-1990s. Though a few Dakotas, like actress Dakota Fanning, a 21-year-old from rural Georgia who is set to graduate from NYU this week, have been employed for some time now and made positive contributions to the economy, preliminary data suggests the majority of these Dakotas are really going to jam up the gears of multiple industries.

“This will be the first wave of its kind so we’re not certain what to expect,” said Ralph Lipscomb, an economist with the CES. “But let’s face it, these Dakotas are probably not worth a shit.”

Experts with the bureau are predicting the outcome will at least be as damaging as the Summer of Tanners in 1998, but could possibly be worse. The retail sector expects to be hit the hardest with an estimated 200,000 employees getting hired, then fired, then rehired at a slightly different store in the mall.

“Hopefully the dead weight attempting to join the job pool over these next couple weeks will not destroy the economic gains we’ve made over the last several years,” Lipscomb said.

Industry experts are urging companies to abandon their summer internship programs altogether and instead pay an older Melissa or Nathan a full-time salary, as it will be more cost-effective in the long run. For companies unable to avoid hiring Dakotas, Lipscomb recommends devoting emergency funds to their training programs.

“Dakotas do need a lot of hand-holding,” Lipscomb said, “but it’s not really their fault. It’s our job as economists to figure out how to keep the market from collapsing as they attempt to do real estate or dirt bike maintenance or whatever kids named Dakota like to do.”

The bureau is hopeful the economy will have time to recover before the first crest of the Kayden-Braden-Jayden wave hits in 2019.

Cole Moser narrowly avoided being named Cooper.

Images by flickr.