Don Henley Alive At 68

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LOS ANGELES — Celebrity gossip site TMZ broke the news early this afternoon that former Eagles drummer and solo recording artist Don Henley is alive and in good health.

He is 68.

The “Witchy Woman” songwriter is reportedly hanging out by his pool today and is later going to play some golf with his business manager.

Also surviving are other former Eagles members Randy Meisner, Don Felder, Bernie Leadon, Timothy B. Schmit and Joe Walsh. Glenn Frey, the only cool one, died in January.

Henley is noted for singing and drumming on many of the Eagles’ mediocre, white bread radio hits from the 1970s, before the band broke up due to having too much money and cocaine. Henley’s bland vocal melodies and famous, wilted-lettuce production choices are also apparent in songs like “End of the Innocence,” “New York Minute” and “Dirty Laundry” from his solo career, which will apparently continue.

Sources close to Henley have reported that in all likelihood he will continue to be a smug, unlikable shit and a complete pain in the ass to be around, in addition to sending cease and desist letters to up-and-coming artists that deign to cover his catalog, insulting the poor suckers dumb enough to enjoy his music and generally being one of those music industry dinosaurs that make everyone sort of glad the industry is dying.

Further reports confirmed that Phil Collins is also alive, as is Ringo Starr.

Cole Moser is fucking upset about this.

Image by Don Henley’s website.