FORT COLLINS, Colo. — According to reports, local five-year-old pug Winston has no idea how its owner, 37-year-old Bradley Kubinsky, shits without spinning in circles a bunch of times beforehand. Kubinsky’s practice of walking straight to the toilet, sitting, and taking a shit has perplexed the canine for its entire life.
“Seriously, how the hell is he able to do that?” Winston rhetorically asked sources, highlighting his utter confusion at how Kubinsky is able to shit without twirling around again and again beforehand. “Not even once. It’s insane,” Winston added.
According to Winston, prefacing every shit with multiple pirouettes is not only natural, but necessary. Seeing Kubinsky shit without even giving it a second thought sends the canine into existential crises.
“Every time this guy goes in there and drops one without looping around the toilet—much less sniffing it a couple times to make sure it’s a good place to shit—it rattles me to my core,” the dog said. “I feel like less of a dog when I see that stone-faced fucker just skip the spinning around part. I don’t like talking about it,” he said.
At press time, Winston was reportedly baffled at how a vomiting Kubinsky resists eating any of his puke. “Fucking weirdo doesn’t even take a nibble,” the dog said.
Dan Delagrange personally spins his dog around to help it shit.