CHICAGO — A towering stack of filthy dishes in a Lakeview apartment’s sink was declared a national emergency by the President yesterday, after weeks of inaction from the residents.
President Obama criticized the three lessees for not working together to solve the problem, saying they had been too busy “playing the blame game.”
“I don’t care which one of them burnt jambalaya onto the big pot,” said Obama, “it’s time that Brent, Geoff, and Adam stop pointing fingers, grab some Palmolive, and go to town.”
When the announcement was made, the scope of the crisis had already expanded far beyond the kitchen sink. According to witnesses, the bottom of the sink hadn’t been visible for weeks, additional plates were spilling over onto the countertop, and a cheese-encrusted knife was steeped in a lukewarm glass of grapefruit juice. Earlier attempts to stop the buildup were unsuccessful, the tenants claim, because their flimsy sponges and generic brand dish cleaner were ineffective against caked-on marinara and shriveled spaghetti. Investigations at the scene revealed even greater horror. One friend recalled seeing a brown leaf of arugula hanging limply on the edge of a water glass.
“How the fuck does that even happen?” said the anonymous friend.
According to the President’s plan, FEMA will allocate funds to help the roommates clean up the mess and provide aid to the visitors affected by the disaster. The President also mentioned that he would be making a trip to the disaster zone, where he plans to discuss ways of preventing a future pileup.
“I don’t know, maybe just zap the damn plate as soon as you’re done with it?” he suggested. “There has to be an alternative to this depth of human sloth.”
The GOP establishment was quick to condemn Obama’s hardline on the issue, saying he hadn’t cleaned a dish in eight years.
Patrick Reilly wrote this article instead of doing the dishes.
Image from stevendepolo.