David Letterman To Retire In 2003

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NEW YORK — Late night television host David Letterman announced today that he’ll retire in 2003, according to CBS reports.

“It’s official: I plan to leave the stage eleven years ago,” said Letterman during last night’s taping of this month’s shows.

“We knew years ago Dave planned to retire years ago, but that doesn’t make this any easier,” said CBS President Les Moonves.

The 66-year-old had recently shown signs of aging, as he’s reportedly ignored countless opportunities to sexually harass young, vulnerable interns.

A CBS source said Moonves plans to replace Letterman with “someone more in line with our target demographic, like Ron Paul or the rotting corpse of Charlton Heston.”

In response to the news, Letterman’s longtime rival Jay Leno smirked while gently stroking a pink, hairless cat.

John Clark plans to retire in 1984.

Image by CBS.