Data Miners Trapped In Office After Firewall Collapse

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SAN JOSE, Calif. — Seven days after hackers breached the company’s firewall, 34 data miners at Analytico, Inc. remained trapped in their posh San Jose office, sources said Wednesday.

“All 34 data miners remain alive,” said Analytico spokesperson Chad Billingsley. “But the water cooler needs replacement and the supply of Starburst jelly beans is running dangerously low.”

Sources say the data miners could escape if they simply opened the office door, but the technicians have been rendered muscle-less after years of sedentary work.

This is the third such incident for Analytico, which famously lost 13 data miners in 2002 after supervisors forgot to feed a group of interns in a basement lab.

Family members of the data miners have camped outside Analytico’s office since the firewall collapsed. Sadly, though, there are no wives or girlfriends to be found.

John Clark hopes his children stay out of the data mines.