Dad’s Pissed


DOYLESTOWN, Penn. — Sources within the Robbins household today have confirmed that Dad is really pissed off about something right now.

“Yikes. Dad is totally pissed” read a text message from Sheryl to her brothers warning of the Robbins patriarch’s current mental state. William, home from college for the summer, inquired what was the matter and asked if he could help, while Tim, a high school junior, replied “lolz.” Sheryl, a recent high school graduate, suggested that everyone keep their distance for the rest of the evening to avoid being targeted by, or even fueling Dad’s fire.

Dad, a hard-working 54-year-old, has shown increased disillusionment with the modern world, often displaying his fear change through anger towards television commercials, technology, or anything that challenges his beliefs.

“Listen to this GEICO lizard! Why does he have a god damn English accent?” Dad said, standing in the middle of the living room. “Is it homosexual or something? And what happened to Flo? I liked her. Jesus, she’s probably a robot just like that gay lizard.”

Sheryl refrained from pointing out that the animated insurance mascot sounded more Australian, or that Flo was a character promoting a different company altogether. Nor did she mention that William—the oldest, most athletic, academically accomplished, and celebrated of the siblings–is gay and has been in a committed relationship for 18 months.

Instead she asked if he had talked to Mom yet that evening, which itself turned into an unlikely provocation.

“Your mom is all of a sudden into bird watching—or at least into that jagoff from the community college that teaches the class. I don’t even know anymore. A man of perseverance like Donald Trump runs for president and everyone makes fun of him. And for crying out loud, what am I supposed to do if one of the guys at the club say they want to be called ‘Caitlyn’?”

It didn’t take long for Sheryl and the brothers to agree on the obvious solution. So before getting the hell out of there, the second youngest of the Robbins family did the same thing her family has done in this situation for years—something that has inexplicably soothed and entertained her loving, well-intended father throughout countless instances of trying and failing to manage his anger.

She asked if he wanted to watch Pretty Woman.

“Well, I guess. I do like that part where he’s playing around and snaps the jewelry box at Julia Roberts,” Dad said. “Let’s check it out.”

After putting in the 20-year anniversary edition DVD, she contacted William and Tim. “Coast should be clear in 90 mins,” she texted. “After Richard Gere climbs the fire escape we’ll be all good.”

“Anyone ever find out why Dad likes that movie so much?” asked Tim.

“Because Julia Roberts is beautiful and it reminds him of 1991,” said William. “Sunday we should listen to Brooks & Dunn with him and talk about when the first Bush was President. That will make him happy.”

Andrew Voris has listened to the song “It Must Have Been Love” on repeat.

Image by dphiffer.