Dad Swears Now


ELMHURST, Ill. — Local father Craig Biernat now uses swear words according to his two children, Casey and Laura Biernat.

“I don’t remember him ever using profanity when we were kids,” said Casey, now in his sophomore year at Loyola University. “But the morning I went back to school for the semester, he told me I had better ‘work hard and not fuck the pooch.’

“That’s not even how people say that,” said Casey.

Laura, a dental hygienist, was also unenthused to find out her father now dabbles in vulgarity. “Usually I like talking politics with him, but last weekend we were talking about Trump and Dad said, ‘That oompa loompa can go suck a bag of shits.’

Laura added, “I almost asked him if he meant ‘dicks’ but decided against it.”

When asked if his children’s reports were accurate,  Biernat responded, “Shit yeah I fucking swear, and I’ll bet that my fucking kids think this is some new fucking thing for me, too. Well guess again, shits-for-brains.

“Me and my fucking pals, fuck we used to swear all the fucking time,” Biernat continued. “‘Fuck this, fuck that,’ we swore about fucking everything. I toned down my language once the kids showed up, but I was thinking in ‘fucks’ and ‘shits’ twenty-four fucking seven.”

“I fucking love swearing,” laughed Biernat.

When asked for comment, Biernat’s wife Martha told reporters, “What a fucking dork.”

Mathias Muschal fucks with cussing.

Image by Bobby Acree