NORTH HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. — Local father Rich MacGillicuddy was in rare form Monday when he was finally given a nickel for every time he heard that. The North Hempstead man admitted that while the award was less than he expected (totaling $63.20), it was still a “told-ya-so” moment.
“It’s about damn time!” MacGillicuddy exclaimed, beaming with pride at his laundry basket full of nickels. “For years I’ve wondered what the hold up has been.”
Having been fed up with the bull for a long time now, MacGillicuddy had previously joked that if he had a nickel for every time he heard that, he would be Rich.
“People keep asking me what I’m going to do with all the money, but it couldn’t have come at a better time because I just got fired from the calendar factory for taking a couple of days off,” he joked.
MacGillicuddy’s wife and three children expressed disapproval of his recent fortune. “This is only going to encourage him,” complained his daughter Isabella. “Do you know why my name is Isabella? Every day he asks me, ‘Isabella ringing?’”
“He must be stopped,” said his wife Elizabeth, from under the whir of a blender. “This money is the worst thing that could happen to this family. Our livers are being destroyed by all the ibuprofen we take for the headaches we get from rolling our eyes. The other day he told us that the angels must be eating cookies up there. We were all like ‘What the fuck?’ Then he said, ‘Because it’s real crummy outside.’” Checking to make sure he wasn’t looking, she gestured shooting herself in the head. “If it was more than 60 fucking dollars, I would have divorced his impossible ass and taken half. You know he pays for everything with nickels now?”
Rich MacGillicuddy ended the interview saying that he was too tired to go on. He had a dream the previous night that he was a muffler and woke up exhausted.
Ross Kelly never shares his shrimp cocktail because he grew up an only child.