CHICAGO — An overjoyed Jay Cutler was released from the Chicago Bears this week, having finally completed his court-appointed 11-year sentence of playing football at the professional level. Ever since being legally forced to be a pro quarterback following a 2005 trial for drunk driving, Cutler’s life has been a living hell defined by his punishment.
“It’s finally over,” said Cutler through joyful tears. “I’m finally done. I never have to put on a helmet again. I never have to call a play. I never have to touch that dumbass ball. It’s not even round! Nothing’s going to undo the damage I did in 2005, but no one can say I didn’t pay for it. I feel like I finally have my life back. I can be me again.”
Cutler’s teammates are proud to see him finally repay his debt to society.
“What that court did to Jay was cruel,” said Bears tight end Zack Miller. “If you saw how much it hurt him to get on the field every practice, if you knew how many times he tried to run away during games only for his RFID implant to notify his parole officer, you’d know how incredible it is that he made it through eleven years of hell.”
Judge Maxine Roberts, the judge who sentenced Cutler to his harsh stint of being paid millions of dollars playing a game sixteen times a year, stands by her decision.
“Too often DUI sentences are just a slap on the wrist,” Roberts said. “I wanted to punish Cutler to the fullest extent of the law and show the country that actions have consequences. Forcing people to play in the NFL is a storied tradition in the US legal system, and I succeeded in showing people that if you do the crime, you’ll have to pay for it. The misery on Cutler’s face sent that message loud and clear.”
Cutler has been seen frolicking down the streets of Chicago with a smile on his face as he celebrates never again having to play football. As of press time, he plans to use his freedom to pursue his lifelong passion of wearing sweatpants all the time.
Tom Harrison truly wonders if Jay Cutler knew he didn’t have to play football if he didn’t wanna.
Image by chicagotribune.