SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — Sources have reported that local couple Marcia Lopez, 29, and Kevin Hogan, 30, have just broken up in the Ikea parking lot before stepping into the huge Swedish home furnishings store. The couple, who had been together for three years, were about to step inside the legendary Scandinavian hell full of ready-to-assemble furniture at affordable prices for the first time in their couplehood.
“We were all set to get a couch together,” Lopez explained, “but Kevin just had to mention that couples always fight in Ikea which made us fight about the possibility of fighting.”
Lopez shook her head thinking about their break up in the parking lot right outside of the blue and yellow cube-like building, designed to be efficient and Swedish, much like everything inside. She placed her head in her hands and cried gently as she whimpered, “I just wanted a brightly colored couch at a price that wouldn’t break the bank.”
Although many joke about couples fighting and breaking up in Ikea, a recent study released in NY Mag concludes that the hyper-abundance of options in the maze-like retailer leads to a crisis mode. It was this very study that Hogan recited to Lopez, inducing her anxiety about having to pick out the perfect and most affordable Swedish-made and them-assembled couch for their living room. The couple, who reported being extremely happy all three years together prior to this Ikea trip, immediately unraveled.
“It was far too much,” Hogan said. “We didn’t want to deal with the possibility of crying in a modern living room display or screaming at each other in an ergonomic office setting. I didn’t want her to throw lamps with fun names I can’t pronounce at me. We decided to save time and money and just break up in the Ikea parking lot.”
Hogan, who took the bus back to their apartment in Chicago where he began packing his things to leave, did show remorse for breaking up so soon.
“I really wanted to try those Swedish meatballs inside,” he said. “I hear the food in the cafe is great and now I’ll never know for sure.”
Stephanie Weber goes to Ikea alone to act as an amateur couples counselor.