CHICAGO — Scott Cullen entered the final stage of adulthood this week after purchasing a Gold Star Membership to Costco Wholesale, sources confirmed on Monday.
“I guess this is it,” said Cullen, 31, as he tossed a 72-roll pack of toilet paper into his shopping cart. “Ever since I bought this Costco card I feel like I have to buy things in bulk.”
“As a result, I kind of just ended up becoming a grown up,” Cullen continued. “I needed more storage for all the things I was buying, so I ended up looking for a bigger apartment, which meant I needed a better job to afford it. It all just went downhill after that.”
When leaving his old apartment, Cullen gave away nearly all of his possessions to his former roommates, including a broken futon, two mismatched armchairs, pots and pans he had since college, and a collection of rare comic books. Cullen even sold his beloved Playstation 4 on Craigslist.
“I’m not really sure what’s next for me,” Cullen said. “I guess I’ll try to meet someone I can share this oil drum of trail mix with.”
Kyle Scanlan still isn’t sure if Costco sells beer.
Image by Erika Hall.