WESTERN SPRINGS, Ill. — In recent years, very cool parents Taylor and Anne Torrence have reportedly invested all of their efforts into making their daughter Moira a real big weirdo.
“When Moira was born, we were thrilled,” said Taylor Torrence, 36. “We could finally give our daughter the childhood we always wished we’d had. Most kids have to grow up listening to whatever bad pop music is on the radio. Moira had heard all of Bowie’s best by the time she was four! We wouldn’t have any top 40 radio garbage in our house.”
Issues were first noticed by Jack Gill, Moira’s fourth grade teacher. “The other kids are outgoing towards Moira, but she doesn’t seem to have much in common with them,” said Gill, 41, of the kooky little outcast. “They’re intimidated by her. These kids read things like Harry Potter or The Hunger Games, but last week I saw Moira reading a coffee table book about the making of the 1920 German film The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari that she’d brought from home.”
“She can’t even eat cookies with the other kids because her parents claim she ‘hates gluten’ even though she’s not allergic,” Gill said, shaking his head.
“Between my vintage shop and Taylor’s furniture restoration, we keep ourselves pretty busy. But at a certain point we realized that she wasn’t anything like other kids her age” said Anne Torrence, 34, when asked about her super weird daughter. “But kids her age are so boring. In a few years they’ll all be jealous. While they were out listening to children’s music and reading children’s books, Moira was questioning existence. We’re proud to say she thinks about death at a ninth grade level. Plus, she hates gluten.”
“In our defense, she would be extremely cool if she were, like, 25 years older,” Taylor added.
When asked to comment on her situation, Moira only rattled off several lines of Leonard Cohen’s 1969 song “The Partisan” without making eye contact.
“There were three of us this morning/ I’m the only one this evening/ But I must go on/ The frontiers are my prison,” she mumbled while taking a drag from a pretzel stick.
Dan Sheehan‘s kids are all big loser virgins.
Image by layleyla5.