Consider Burning Your House Down And Other Helpful Redecorating Tips For My Boyfriend Devon


Redecorating your house can be so overwhelming: between the focal point and the floral arrangement, the basement and the backsplash, the subway tile and the solid-state lighting, where do you even begin? But before you throw in the hand-woven Egyptian cotton towel, Devon, check out this handy guide for easy, fail-safe redecorating tips.

1. Consider burning down your house. Sometimes you can brighten your home with a new floor lamp but other times it takes a blazing flame. If you want to find an easy, straightforward way to get rid of those warped floorboards, that loud radiator and the mystery gunk all over the bathroom tiles, nothing beats burning down your house.

2. A great way to de-clutter is to burn down your house. You can’t see your home’s potential when it’s filled with broken guitars, knick knacks, and God knows what else. A simple, easy way to take care of all your clutter is to set it on fire! And if those vintage issues of Hustler really are worth money, Devon, consider selling them to your shitty friends before you light the match.

3. Set a budget by burning down your house. Coming up with the money to redecorate can be tough–especially if you haven’t had a promotion in four years and you’re still paying for all those guitars you bought when you thought you “might be the next Bob Dylan.” A great way to come up with a little Pottery Barn cash is to burn down your house and collect the insurance! Your house is so full of fire hazards that no one will ever suspect it was intentional.

4. Honestly, you should burn down your fucking house. Okay, Devon, I’m going level with you. I snooped that night when you had five Lime-A-Ritas at Mikey’s house and fell asleep before me. I have opened your fridge, your cupboards, your drawers, and seen every moldy jar of mayo, every sticky plastic cup, every towel with some stiff mystery substance dried into the terrycloth. I have seen horrors no woman can unsee. And even if you wipe every spilt beer off every surface of your home, even if you clean the cobwebs off every ancient action figure, even if you empty the mousetrap mausoleum in the basement, your home will never again be fit for human habitation. The dirt, grime, and filth have sunk into the structure of the house, imbuing every floor, wall, and ceiling like some malicious poltergeist. So burn it down! Burn every last inch of stained carpet, every spore of ceiling mold, every bathroom begging to be put out of its misery. Break free from the torn Fall Out Boy poster, the zen wall-hanging that was “really cool in college,” the X-Men action figures that have hung around like a needy ex-girlfriend since 4th grade. Burn it down and rise, unfettered, like a phoenix from the ashes, a boy no longer, but instead, a man unencumbered by sweaty polyesther sheets. Rise, soar, and fulfill your promised destiny of being a proficient Assistant Actuary with a decent home!

And then once that’s one, we’ll talk about your terrible wardrobe.

Gwen Lawson has probably never committed arson.

Image by Ada Be.