Confused Gentile Shows Up For Rosh Hashanah With 8 Gifts


LONG BRANCH, N.J. — “I just wanted to be sure I was doing everything in my power to observe the customs of the Jewish holiday,” said local gentile Shane Murphy after showing up to his coworker’s Rosh Hashanah dinner with eight gifts in hand.

“Clearly he confused Rosh Hashanah with Hanukkah,” Rachel Goldberg, 29, said, “but he played it off like he simply wanted to buy eight gifts for me.”

“I appreciate the gesture of course, but what am I going to do with three lime-scented candles, two hand lotions, a box of tissues, a dish towel, and a DVD of that Ryan Reynolds movie, Just Friends?” Rachel said of her new possessions. “All of which he clearly bought at the Duane Reade across the street from our office.”

Shane refused to comment as to where he purchased the gifts, but a Duane Reade employee did confirm he was in the store at 5:15 p.m. “A bottle of wine really would’ve been more than enough,” said Rachel.

Upon arriving and realizing his mistake—that in fact his coworker and her guests were not celebrating Hanukkah—Shane attempted to pass off his gesture as “something he does every time he’s invited into someone’s home.” After hearing this, Carly Moss, 34, another fellow coworker of Rachel and Shane’s, promptly invited Shane over to her house for a barbecue next week.

“I moved last month, and I could really use some of the stuff he got for Rachel tonight,” said Carly.

“I guess, in retrospect, I should’ve Googled the difference between Rosh Hashanah and Hanukkah, sometime between Rachel inviting me to dinner this morning and before I arrived here tonight, but I just got so excited, said Shane. “I wanted to be the Santa Claus of Hanukkah. Wait, Hanukkah doesn’t have its own Santa, does it?” Shane asked, before taking out his phone and frantically looking up Hanukkah.

“Aw man, if it’s not Hanukkah, does that mean there’s not going to be gelt at this thing?” Shane remarked,  referring to the chocolate coins eaten during in accordance with the Hanukkah holiday. He was clearly disappointed.

Lana Schwartz appreciates the effort but maybe give it a wiki search before you hit up the Duane Reade.

Image by edsel, pinkmoose.