Confederate Flag Deemed Proud Reminder Of Being Whooped By Bunch Of Pansy-Ass Yankees


COLUMBIA, S.C. — Following the recent shooting in Charleston, debate continues to revolve around whether the state capital should continue to raise the Confederate flag, which supporters deem as a proud reminder of when the Confederacy had their butts handed to them by a bunch of pansy-ass Yankees.

“The Confederate flag is a part of our history, and we should be able to celebrate it as we see fit,” said Bill Johnson, one South Carolinian advocate who believes it is in his state’s rights to pay tribute to that time when all those carpet bagging pussies from the north who don’t know how to shoot worth shit came down and beat the living snot out of his ancestors.

According to sources, the number of people who want to remember their embarrassing failings against liberal slave lovers is dwindling, but there is a still a very vocal minority that wants nothing more than to remind everyone that they couldn’t even beat a sorry group of soft Lincoln-voters that had no business coming below the Mason-Dixon Line.

“Hoisting the Confederate flag is our way of saying we are proud to be [a pathetic loser] from South Carolina,” added Mr. Johnson.

At press time, supporters added that the Robert E. Lee statues in the state should remain as an uplifting remembrance of his surrender to that drunkard Ulysses S. Grant.

Tommy Molzahn is a proud ass Yankee.

Image by edward stojakovic.

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Tommy Molzahn is proud to be from Chicago, meaning he's embarrassed he's actually from the suburbs. Like a true artist, he is committed to living his dream during his spare time on nights and weekends when he's not swimming in financial models and conference calls. If you've read his bio this far, find more of his satirical musings at The Lonely Petunia.