MILFORD, Mich. — While preparing to attend the funeral for his uncle this past weekend, 33-year-old Chicago resident Nathan Reybold was seen stopping by a convenience store in order to pick up condoms “just in case,” according to sources.
When pressed on his insistence on bringing them to a funeral Reybold reportedly said, “Listen, it’s my uncle Hank’s funeral. It’s not like I’m going there trolling for tail, that’d be gross. But come on, you never know.”
Reybold was adamant that he wasn’t planning on hooking up, and wasn’t sure if there would even be anyone outside of family there, but that he just wanted to be careful. “I’m staying in a hotel right by the funeral home,” he explained. “There might not be a place to stop anywhere nearby. I’m just covering my bases, okay.”
“There’s nobody specific I’m hoping to run into,” he quickly added. “I don’t know who’s going to be there.”
Reybold offered further explanations, saying “Hank’s not even really my uncle–he’s my dad’s cousin or something so I don’t even think that would be illegal is all I’m saying. I mean how removed does it have to be in order for it be legal? Like, twice removed. I’m pretty sure I read that the other day.”
When asked if he was romantically interested in any of his cousins Reybold responded in the negative. “I’m not trying to fuck my cousins or anything like that, if that’s what you’re implying. When I pointed out that Kristin was my age, all I meant is that some of her friends might come by to show their support. God, you guys are making me sound like some kind of weirdo.”
Henry Reybold was a resident of Milford since he moved there in the 70s. He owned a hardware store, served on the Chamber of Commerce, and was a active member of the Methodist Church until his tragic passing last week. All of these reasons were listed by Reybold as sources of potential single women that would not be directly related to him.
“He’s been going to that church for like thirty years. You’re telling me there’s no way that a lady comes with her folks to pay respects?” Reybold said. “Plus, he always had teenagers working at that store. A few of them might’ve grown up, heard that he died, and wanted to swing by.”
Reybold noted that he might not end up solely engaging in funeral related activities. “What if we all go out to a bar or something, you know, share memories about Uncle Hank?” Reybold said. “I could meet a woman there maybe.”
“Jesus, why is it so weird that I might meet somebody?” Reybold added.
As of press time Reybold had not met anyone, but had succeeded in creeping out three female relatives with really long hugs.
Adam Sokol brings condoms to traffic court.