Conceptual Pickup Artist De-Objectifies Women


BROOKLYN — At a Bushwick warehouse party on Saturday night conceptual pickup artist Marcus Ceballos ruined the atmosphere by de-objectifying every female guest in attendance.

“A lot of guys will look at a woman and see a set of holes,” Ceballos, 31, explained to a group of reporters. “But when I look at a woman, I see the set of holes. The set of sets of holes, as it were. It’s all very meta.” He then turned his gaze onto the negative space between a 19-year-old’s breasts.

When asked if his tactics had ever actually gotten him laid, Ceballos rolled his eyes and said, “It’s about the idea, not the execution.” He then gestured to his plain white t-shirt captioned Peacock. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some hot co-eds to neg. De-objectification is the work of the negative.”

Further confusing matters, Ceballos had arrived at the party with a female companion. The date in question, 27-year-old Jordin Maritano, complained to sources, “We’ve been going out for eight months. I’ve met his parents, and yet he’s been introducing me all night, ‘This is not a girlfriend.’ I think I need to end it.”

When later asked why she started dating Ceballos to begin with, Maritano sighed. “I don’t know. It was nice to meet a man who admits he only loves what I represent.”

Rachel McCartney’s five-year-old could have tapped that.

Image by hkarau.