Comey Firing Sends Shockwaves Through Dozen Or So Americans Still Keeping Up With All This

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WASHINGTON — President Trump has fired embattled FBI director James Comey in a move that is being interpreted as a shocking overstep of authority by the dozen or so American citizens still keeping up with all of this.

Comey’s dismissal comes amid the FBI’s investigation of the President’s undisclosed ties with Russia and that nation’s interference in the 2016 presidential election, according to the maybe 12 people in this country up to date on all this shit.

In his former role at the FBI, Comey spearheaded a separate probe into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server during her turn as Secretary of State. It was Trump who praised Comey’s work in that investigation, which makes today’s news all the more odd to the handful of people—no way it’s more than 10— who’ve somehow managed to file this latest incident in a chronological, mental Rolodex while the rest of the country has given up on that sort of thing.

Trump’s snap decision to remove Comey from office during such a turbulent political climate hearkens back to President Richard Nixon’s firing of Watergate prosecutor Archibald Cox, a bombshell moment during a time in American history when things this fucked up happened infrequently enough so more than, like, a bobsled team’s worth of people could keep tabs on this bullshit.

While the move is being attributed in headlines to Trump, it came at the recommendation of Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a politician who has come under fire throughout his career for his racist policies and views—just another fucking thing in this big goddamn mess that nobody in their right mind would be able to keep straight.

At press time, some other godforsaken disaster that’s not even worth remembering at this point was minutes away from being revealed to the two guys left who still care.

Dan Delagrange can’t keep track of all this shit either, man.

Image by Rich Gerard under CC BY-SA 2.0.