MADISON, Wis. — A University of Wisconsin sophomore has been referring to the dumb philosophical ideas he explains to friends at parties as “Buddhism,” numerous campus sources have reported.
“Yeah man,” said Jason Moore, 20, while smoking a cigarette. “Living for the now, that’s what Buddha kept saying.”
Moore’s stupid worldview, while tiresome, is not unusual. The most recent U.S. census led researchers to discover a growing population of young, middle class Americans who justify their selfish lifestyle by spinning misinterpreted or simply made up Eastern Philosophy.
“Sometimes when modern life gets too much I remember the eightfold path,” Moore senselessly droned on.
“Oh you don’t know what the eightfold path is?” Moore said without anyone asking him about what the eightfold path is. “It’s the path you have to take to let your spirit become a bird or something. It’s all about loving your neighbors.”
Fellow Wisconsin sophomore Kyle Goode has occasionally made the unfortunate mistake of asking Moore how he was doing.
“He goes on these long-winded speeches that don’t mean anything,” explained Goode, 19. “Then he throws in one or two terms he learned from the week he went to California, and labels whatever he just said Buddhism.”
When asked for comment about the cause behind the misunderstanding of a complex ancient religion, Dr. Ellie Choie, Assistant Professor in Wisconsin’s Asian Studies department, said it’s just a result of insecurity.
“Lots of 20-year-olds are trying to look cool, so in order to hide the fact that their life philosophy is actually based off bumper stickers and pop songs, they couch it in the mystique of Eastern religion,” said Choie.
Dr. Choie encourages students who encounter someone with beliefs similar to Moore’s to not correct the preacher of falsely labeled Buddhism, as the correction might spook the preacher and cause them to question themselves. Rather, Choie encourages to simply let the person say “you know, man” until they tire themselves out.
Kevin Lobkovich is a stupid college sophomore.
Image by Dylanreminder.