Coca Cola Introduces New Soda Dispensers That Moan In Ecstasy


ATLANTA – Guaranteeing that their new machine will passionately dispense up to 146 mega-flavors, Coca-Cola announced Tuesday the introduction of Coca-Cola Foreplay, a new highly interactive soda dispenser that will moan in a heightened state of pure unadulterated ecstasy.

“The Coca-Cola Foreplay will relentlessly grunt, moan, and groan in orgiastic pleasure until you finish pouring,” said Stuart Kronauge, senior vice president of marketing at Coca-Cola North America, adding that the ice dispenser usually requires a moment for the machine to “catch its breath.” “The dispenser will even gasp ‘mmm, don’t stop,’ whenever you press the back arrow. I mean, this is a total game-changer.”

Sources confirmed the consumer’s beverage of choice will determine the feverish intensity of the climactic wails, whether it’s the “deep, guttural screams” of a Barq’s Root Beer, the “high-pitched squeals” of a Sprite Zero, or the “primal, red-blooded grunts” of a Powerade Raspberry.

“For maximum customer satisfaction, we made sure every drink you pour is followed by a shallow breathy sigh of contentment,” said Kronauge, as he tested out the user-friendly features on a whimpering, flush-red touchscreen. “One time, I was refilling my Vitaminwater and it even shouted my name.”

“Well, my brother’s name,” Kronauge added.

At press time, the nozzle shuddered rhythmically for several seconds before spraying Coke Classic everywhere.

Ricardo Angulo is the Pepsi Girl.

Image by Blue MauMau.

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Ricardo Angulo is a staff writer at The Whiskey Journal, where he covers premature obituaries.