WASHINGTON D.C. — After Donald Trump announced that he no longer has plans to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate Hillary Clinton’s email scandal, many of his supporters have expressed their anger that he would back out on a campaign promise, particularly in light of reports that the most recently released spate of Clinton emails contain even more risotto recipes. In response, Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway recently reassured voters that, depending on what the recently re-opened FBI investigation into the classified risotto intelligence determined, the topic could be revisited.
Speaking on ABC’s Good Morning America, Conway said, “The officials who are in charge of this investigation will make sure justice is served, and early reports indicate that the number of risotto recipes shared in unsecured state department emails is positively staggering. I mean, Donald doesn’t want to hurt the Clintons, but given the reckless irresponsibility with which she has treated sensitive subjects such as dry white wine and reggiano cheese, the Department of Justice may still see fit to press charges.”
Indeed, early reports suggest that the newly discovered emails contain even more classified risotto recipes than the spate of emails released by Wikileaks earlier in the year. Campaign Chairman John Podesta appears to have sent numerous unsecured emails from Clinton’s private server that contain highly sensitive secrets to making the best possible risotto, ranging from restricted intelligence on the timing required to obtain optimal texture, to previously undisclosed state secrets on ideal flavor profiles. In one troubling email to an executive at Goldman Sachs, Podesta suggested combining peas, shallots, and shiitake mushrooms for a lovely spring risotto, a confidential recipe previously known only to high-ranking government operatives.
On Good Morning America, Conway continued, “Intelligence officials have found evidence that Clinton exchanged risotto recipes with state agents from Italy, France, and Papua New Guinea. What does anyone in Papua New Guinea even need risotto for? They live in a warm climate! I mean, here we have a woman divulging restricted risotto recipes to a country that doesn’t even grow Arborio rice, and instead the media is covering one measly call to Taiwan? I mean, give me a break.”
Gwen Lawson wishes John Podesta would email her about risotto because she always burns it.
Image by paula lively.