Climate Change Denier Can’t Really Talk Right Now


SAN MATEO, Calif. — In the devastating aftermath of hurricanes Harvey and Irma, local climate change denier Ryder Arnoldson is, by his own admission, “kind of too busy to talk right now, guys.”

When asked by reporters if, given the clear link between the progression of global warming and the prevalence of highly destructive super-storms, he still believed that climate change was a scare tactic made up by China to drive up oil prices he replied, “So, the thing is, I’m just way too busy to have this conversation. Work is crazy. I’m busy with work stuff. Also, family stuff. Also, other stuff. Basically, I’m just busy. Super busy. Really busy right now and definitely too busy to talk to anyone about this, so please respect my wishes and don’t contact me, and definitely don’t ask me to talk about my beliefs about climate change right now. Thank you.”

“Also, seriously, I’m super busy,” he added. “With stuff.”

According to Arnoldson’s former high school classmate Kate Corlyn, Anderson had long made a habit of posting pseudo-scientific articles and “really stupid memes” denying the phenomenon of climate change on Facebook.

“Ryder really loved crowing about how global warming is a lie,” Corlyn said. “Not only did he make his own posts about it, but every time someone would post an article about how the rising sea level is making storm surges more dangerous, say, or about how increasing droughts are leading to bigger and more destructive wildfires, Ryder would comment something like, ‘lol, ur so gullible. Go cry about global warming to ur organic mom facebook group. Snowflake. MAGA.’ He sort of stopped commenting and posting articles in August, though. Then, he deleted all his past posts. The last thing he posted was a semi-coherent screed about how he had better things to do than post on Facebook all day, and he was too busy living his best life to read all the articles people were sending him, and how everyone should mind their own business because it’s a free country, and how science is harassment.”

Arnoldson’s neighbor Derek Song reported that Arnoldson behaved very strangely when he ran into him over the weekend.

“Ryder used to mock me for not watering my lawn during the drought, so when I saw him get out of his car yesterday while I was grabbing my mail, I asked him what he thought of the fact that multiple 500-year storms had occurred in the past five years,” Song said. “He responded by asking me who I was drafting for fantasy football.”

Arnoldson’s coworker Aviva Grossinger reported a similar interaction with him this past Friday. “He walked into breakroom, and I asked what he thought about the fact that this is the first time in history where there were two super hurricanes in the Atlantic at the same time. He replied, ‘I have to go, I have a conference call at 12:23, and that’s in one minute, so um, I have to go take my call.’”

As of press time, Arnoldson was still reportedly “just like, totally busy.”

Gwen Lawson‘s schedule is wiiiiiiiide open if you want to fight about global warming or really any current events.

Image by pixabay/deansouglass.