NEW YORK CITY — A group of Catholic bishops, evangelicals, and possibly one Mormon have released a joint letter to all American Christians warning that only a mere 92% of federal lawmakers worship Jesus Christ.
In a press conference today the authors said they went out of their way to use careful, measured language in the letter titled “The Total Demise of Christian Faith in U.S. Government.” Rev. Isaac Monroe, televangelist and head of the Holy Lamb Heart Megachurch in Houston, said it is important for Christians of all denominations to calmly communicate that “godless, nihilistic liberalism is taking over our government before God’s eyes and this is surely the end of times.”
“I talk to Senators and Representatives and they say that things like the liberal media, this gay phase the country is going through, and other demonic workings make it almost impossible to be a Christian in politics anymore,” Monroe said. “When only 491 out of 535 elected members of Congress identify as Christian it leaves no doubt that belief in Jesus is being shamed, marginalized and driven underground in America.”
Members of the elite Christian panic team who composed the letter confirm it was written in response to the Supreme Court’s recent Rapture-taunting decision allowing homosexuals to marry in all 50 states. Many of the authors stated they were also motivated by a recent poll showing one member of Congress identifies as “unaffiliated.”
“It’s bad enough that 23% of Americans now say they are atheist or agnostic,” said Bishop Beau Whiteberry, head of St. Sainthood’s Parish in Hartford, Connecticut. “But now those lost souls of our nation actually have one lawmaker who shares their belief, nay lack-thereof.”
“Can you imagine our country if the worldview of 23% of elected officials was guided more by Neil deGrasse Tyson and Carl Sagan than The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit?” asked the bishop. “I shudder.”
The letter calls for more church ministers to run for elected office and urges voters not to be fooled by candidates who run on distracting issues like the concentration of wealth or global climate change. It ends on a unifying note, reminding everyone to love thy neighbor “even when he or she is inferior and infected with the virus of secularism.”
Monroe insists the group has a modest, tangible goal.
“We believe we will have taken our country back when we get a nice 97-98% Christian Congress,” he said. “So, of course we’d still invite a couple of Jews and Muslims to Washington—you know, to be fair. But that unaffiliated one, he ought to go get a job at a museum or with Bill Maher.”
Andrew Voris would like to see more snake handling on the Senate floor.
Image by NASA HQ PHOTO.