Chris Christie Announces Plan To Run


NEWARK, N.J. — New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced today that he plans to go for a brief run sometime in 2016, sources reported.

“Both parties have failed our country, and I’m mad as hell,” said Christie at a press conference. “So I’m going to go for a quick jog to blow off some steam.”

“I’m shopping for sneakers, shorts, maybe one of those cool sweat-wicking headbands,” said Christie. “The goal is a four-minute mile, but I’d settle for five.”

Christie also took a shot at President Barack Obama’s high level of fitness, saying “any coward could run with that puny little commie frame.”

Christie has served as the governor of New Jersey since January 2010, when he grabbed the electorate by the lapel and shook it until it voted him into office.

The governor’s favorability rating rose dramatically in 2012 when he wrestled Hurricane Sandy to the ground and hurled it off the Atlantic coast, sparing hundreds of lives in his home state.

Despite his past heroics, though, political insiders are skeptical about Christie’s plan to run, noting that he’s never done it before.

But Christie remains confident. “I’m not in this business to win style points,” said Christie. “I’m going to run, and I’m going to break some goddamn records doing it.”

Sources say Christie plans to close a stretch of the George Washington Bridge to allow him ample time and space for his brief run.

John Clark goes for the easy jokes. 

Image by Chris Christie.