CHICAGO — In an unexpected move the Chicago Transit Authority announced on Wednesday that the organization’s current transit card would be replaced with a slice of ham, according to city officials.
Citing the absolute lack of problems with current card system, the CTA announced the new ham slice system was critical and would take effect immediately.
Sources close to the situation report that the CTA has signed a 75-year, no-bid contract with the Boar’s Head deli meat company worth $2.6 billion to supply the ham for the new system. Costs for single fares are expected to increase to $4.99 per pound, per ride.
“The ham slice hearkens back to the days when our city was the meatpacking capital of the nation, butcher shop to the world,” said CTA President Forrest Claypool. “We want to capture that bygone era of unreliable, borderline dangerous transportation.”
Passes will no longer be available in monthly, weekly or 3-day increments but will be available in regular, smoked and honey-baked varieties.
“Transit Ham comes in three flavors and is perfectly edible,” assured Claypool. Slices can be purchased from refrigerated vending machines located in all CTA stations and will feature an edible magnetic strip.
When asked if swiping the slice of ham at the turnstile would actually work Claypool said “No, it will not work.”
Cole Moser is a freelance ham blogger who is proud of his city’s innovative, almost-Soviet level dedication to fucking over its residents.
Image by James Webb.