CHICAGO — Following record-breaking low temperatures this week, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel ordered residents to desegregate as a means to stay warm. The new city ordinance requires Chicagoans of all races, colors, ethnicities, backgrounds and origins to partake in a massive group hug, according to reports.
“Desegregating the city is by no means my top priority,” he assured gathered reporters in the frigid lobby of City Hall. “This decision was made as a last resort, and when spring arrives we will go back to being the most racially segregated city in the nation.”
The ongoing group hug, taking place downtown, has created massive levels of body heat which has formed a dome of protection from the polar vortex. Many reported feeling symptoms such a joy and racial harmony.
“It was horrible,” said Sarah Jenkins, a Chicago native who was forced to hug her fellow man. “I mean, this is Chicago. We don’t put ketchup on our hot dogs and we don’t embrace diversity.”
Tim Barnes would rather just wear an extra layer of clothes.
Image by askasped.