Carol Already Back From Widely Publicized Facebook Break


SOMERTON, Va – After posting every day for a week and a half that she was going to delete her Facebook, local woman Carol Ashbury, 35, has returned to Facebook. She logged into Facebook this morning with the status “what did I miss ;)” after being absent from Facebook for four whole days.

Prior to her long-awaited Facebook break, Ashbury made at least one daily status about the dangers of social media in the modern era. She decried the evils of social media and the ways they’ve changed society, which may have been valid points had Ashbury not returned days later to say that she was just logging on to ask if anyone has a lawn sprinkler she could borrow.

Three days prior to the day she deactivated her Facebook, Ashbury posted: “I just want to be more present for myself, my family, and my friends. I think we should all do that :).” The very next day, Ashbury posted: “FACEBOOK IS EVIL!!! FUCK U ZUCKS” and yet barely a week later she returned to Facebook to comment on pictures of her sister’s new haircut and to post a status looking for recommendations of a local business that could re-paint her deck.

Despite Ashbury’s widespread public condemnation of Facebook, she appears to be back without any explanation or indication that she is going to delete it again. While she was absent from Facebook, she continued to post to Twitter and Instagram and even downloaded Snapchat to send a few ill-advised snaps of her in a J.C. Penny’s dressing room.

Friends were reportedly annoyed by her return to the social-media platform. “She made me feel like a bad person for using it and like she was better than all of us for having the willpower to delete it,” acquaintance Nikki Smalls told sources. “But then she came back like I’m supposed to congratulate her or something. I don’t care what she does ’cause she never likes my statuses, but she always comments. That shit is rude.”

At press time, Ashbury was using Facebook to slam her local Starbucks for not making the iced coffee the way they used to. This status received only three likes.

Stephanie Weber wishes we could get rid of all social media and live in isolated caved where we do not socialize or consume media of any kind. 

image by Todd Sternisha