Buzzed God Asks Jesus To Take Wheel


ON THE WAY TO CINCINNATI — On a snowy Thanksgiving eve, after a long hard year and a night full of modest drinking, God (age incomprehensible) reportedly asked his son and fellow spiritual celebrity Jesus Christ to “take the wheel.”

Over the course of the night God had partaken in three glasses of Jesus’ “special wine” — homemade from a special “water” Jesus was notorious for sneaking into Pharisee bars. Although his blood alcohol level was still at a legal 0.05%, God, mindful of past scrapes with the Ohio state police, as well as his general concern and love for mankind, God requested that the sober Jesus take the wheel.

With 50 miles to go to Cincinnati, God had been running low on faith and gasoline when he requested that Jesus take it from his hands. When asked why he needed Jesus’ assistance God said “Because I can’t do this on my own. I’m letting go. So give me one more chance. Save me from this road I’m on.”

God then blushed, humbly admitting that Jesus’ special wine always made him more emotionally expressive. Slightly embarrassed by the night of drinking, God said he regretted the way he’d been living his life, he knew he had to change, and from tonight on out things would be different. Jesus quickly waved off God’s apologetics, teasingly telling him to save it for the Second Coming.

After some good-natured apocalypse jokes, God gravely recalled a past night he hadn’t asked Jesus to take the wheel.

“I was going way too fast,” God said, wiping rain from his forehead. “Before I knew it I was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass. I saw both our lives flash before our eyes. I didn’t even have time to cry.”

When questioned about Carrie Underwood’s appropriation of their experience and subsequent popularity thereof, Jesus shrugged and said it was a typical pop star move.

Bronwyn Isaac has a suspicion Jesus refuses the wheel every time she rides the Red Line.



Previous articlePodcast: ‘It’s All True!’ Episode 5, Comedian Ross Kelly
Next articleMore Disappointing Answers for Desperate Women
Bronwyn Ariel Isaac is a retired bridge troll who currently resides in laundromats all over Chicago (primarily Pilsen/Little Village). She attended The School of the Art Institute of Chicago for writing right before the United States fully transformed into a bad 1950s sitcom. You can occasionally spot her in public telling edgy puns, reading poetry/essays out loud, pretending to do stand up comedy, and pouring out the remaining crumbs of her soul to complete strangers.