Bulls Announce They Will Just Put Derrick Rose Down


CHICAGO — Chicago Bulls General Manager Gar Forman announced today in a press conference that the team has decided to just go ahead and put down their three-time All-Star point guard, Derrick Rose.

News broke on Tuesday evening that Rose had suffered yet another serious knee injury.

“He’s been a hell of a point guard when he’s healthy, but it is no longer in the team’s best interest to continue trying to rehabilitate Mr. Rose,” Forman explained. “Putting Derrick down has been one of the toughest decisions we’ve had to make–probably the toughest since we had to release Michael Jordan back into the wild.”

“I can’t stress enough that this is strictly a financial decision,” Forman added.

Dr. Melinda Reed, the team’s head physician, was on hand as well. She explained that the decision is what’s best for Rose.

“At a certain point, the quality of life diminishes to where a player just needs to be put out of his misery,” said Reed.

There is no immediate timeline for the procedure, but all are indicating that sooner would be better than later.

The Bulls’ front office has promised to hold a tasteful tribute ceremony where fans can pay their respects, unlike the Portland Trailblazers who in 2011 received criticism for shooting shooting guard Brandon Roy with a cattle gun and burying him behind their practice facility.

Ross Kelly hopes Mr. Rose will be in a better place.

Image by Jerry Lai/USA Today.

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Ross Kelly grew up in St. Louis, MO: the land of a thousand arches. It was here that he never did comedy. He would go on to Southern Illinois, where he started doing stand-up and also started not finishing college. In 2012, he moved to Chicago to pursue more comedy, as well as an opportunity to continue not going to school. He is an original member of The Whiskey Journal team, and can make a pretty amazing hollandaise sauce.