BETHPAGE, N.Y. — In an act of incredible valor, 27-year-old Jonah Hutt declared to his friends that he in fact prefers women without makeup, so long as they fall within the accepted realm of conventional beauty.
“Oh yeah, I don’t need a woman with all that glam and glitz and makeup,” Hutt said. “I prefer a natural, low-maintenance woman who looks like Natalie Portman, Sofia Vergara or Halle Berry. I’m open to all women within patriarchal beauty standards.”
His friends, in utter shock and awe, questioned Hutt whether he really meant it: “No makeup at all?! Not even a little?”
Hutt laughed at their lack of faith, shook his head and assured them that the women he’s interested need absolutely no makeup, because they are beautiful just the way they are, given the assumption they are young and thin with flawless skin and features that naturally pop.
“I wish more women felt comfortable enough in their skin to take off all the artifice and let their true beauty show,” Hutt mused between sips of his Oatmeal Stout. “I think it’s sexy when a woman gifted with unusually symmetrical features feels confident enough to show off her genetic lottery win. All women should do that, except those with masculine faces or weird skin blotches or faces that I find generally unattractive, because they should maybe love themselves enough to try a little, you know?”
Though Hutt is currently single, he claimed that his partner in his last relationship never wore any makeup. “Absolutely not,” Hutt said, shaking his head defiantly. “She didn’t need it.”
When reached for comment Hutt’s ex-girlfriend Stephanie Marks said: “Yeah, I usually had concealer and mascara on.”
Bronwyn Isaac is going to die the way she was born–in full clown makeup.
Image by shockinglytasty.