My Boyfriend’s Dad Bod Triggers My Abandonment Issues

0
0

By guest blogger Megan Klein

I love my boyfriend, I do. I want to be upfront about that, but I met him in the fall and now that it is almost beach body season I’m constantly terrified that he will leave me. This is only because my doughy boyfriend has a full-on dad bod and it is really bringing me back to when my own doughy daddy left our family.

They say you date your dad and I really don’t! My dad sucked and only wanted to talk about pro-wrestling until the day he went to a local wrestling event and never returned, only to start another family with Tammy the postal clerk. My boyfriend is a smart, thoughtful man who works as a graphic designer and enjoys seeing movies and brunching with me. I know he loves me and enjoys me exclusive company! But now that sweater season is over and I can more fully check him out when we go to the farmer’s market on the weekend and he wears shorts and a T-shirt that might be a little too tight–I get panicky thinking he will leave me there.

We went to the beach for the first time together recently, and the second he took his shirt off I screamed. The complete lack of ab definition took me back to the time my dad forgot to pick me up from soccer practice because he was boinking Tammy in a mail truck.

I’m worried that the acceptance of dad bod as a desirable body type will only encourage my dad–er, I mean boyfriend–to leave me when he meets a hot woman with bangs at the post office. Ladies, can you relate? My boyfriend is the sweetest man, but his dad bod is deeply triggering. I hug him constantly and beg him not to go out for cigarettes even though he doesn’t smoke. I made him a Father’s Day card that included a picture of me from second grade. I called him Earl in bed. That’s not even my dad’s name, it just seemed appropriate. I’m starting to genuinely believe that my boyfriend is my dad and he will leave me ANY DAY NOW.

God, send help.

Male celebrities, please get in shape. Magazines, please shame men into toning it up. Please stop the madness that is dad bod. Please bring my dad back home.

Megan Klein was last seen sitting outside of Bentley Elementary School in pigtails and a push-up bra. 

Image by Noodles&Beef and megardooles.