HENDERSON, Nev. — Pulling off a day he organized months in advance, 28-year-old Adrian Schultz reportedly treated his longtime girlfriend Krista McKenzie on Saturday to an entire day where he did not quote a single line from the 1998 film The Big Lebowski.
“I always wanted to treat myself to a no-Lebowski day, so I was simply overjoyed when he woke me up that morning and surprised me in bed with a whole lack of one-liners,” said McKenzie, adding that Schultz asked her to close her eyes, and when she opened them again she nearly cried at the sight of no mention that the rug really tied the room together.
“He gave me the most romantic 1440-minute absence from his impression of the Jesus that I’ve ever seen,” said McKenzie. “And he poured me a glass of milk without Kahlua and vodka, paying special attention to not blurt out, ‘Careful man, there’s a beverage here!’ I mean, he really went all out.”
According to friends closest to Schultz, he worked tirelessly on an all-inclusive schedule that could fit in as much of him not reciting dialogue from the cult classic as humanly possible.
“10:30 a.m. to 11:15 a.m: Indulge in a light brunch without quoting the dude, the duder, his dudeness, or el duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing,” read one portion of the intricately detailed itinerary, which incorporated an extensive list of activities to avoid, such as bowling, smoking a J, and coitus. An earlier, handwritten draft of the itinerary shows several instances when Schultz appears to have crossed out multiple Big Lebowski references, including an accidental yet exact recreation of Jackie Treehorn’s doodle of a naked man.
“I asked him how he could afford to spend so much time away from reciting dialogue from his favorite movie over and over and over again,” continued McKenzie. “and he tenderly deflected without saying ‘At least I’m not housebroken,’ or ‘That’s just, like, your opinion, man,’ or ‘This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass, Larry,’ or any of the other thousands of quotes that make up his personality at its core.”
“I must be the luckiest gal in the world,” she added.
Ricardo Angulo abides.