Boston-Area Meatheads Demand Equal Pay For Doing Exactly What Mark Wahlberg Does Every Day


BOSTON—Speaking out against what they called a “friggin’ injustice, bro,” area meatheads demanded pay equal to that of Hollywood star Mark Wahlberg today. The group of sleeveless men claim they deserve fair compensation since they “do the same kinda shit” Wahlberg does each day.

“[It] friggin’ blows, man,” Curtis Waney, a 24-year-old gymgoer told sources. “I mean we all love Marky Mark, but he’s not the only one who supersets bench to muscle-ups while taking down a tin of Skoal mint, you know?” he added.

The concerns of the group of wider-than-they-are-tall men go beyond compensation, however. Many area beefcakes simply want the same sort of recognition Wahlberg receives for the things both parties do daily.

“Me and my dudes come up with, like, five, six dope-ass ideas about heist movies set in Boston every day,” Waney said, adding, “[We] just wanna hear someone tell us, ‘Whoa, that’s a bomb idea; we would love to make that movie about Boston, bro.’”

At press time, Wahlberg published an apology in’s forum and vowed to donate all of his salary from his next film to any ‘roided-out hunk who says, “dilly dilly” without context in their everyday conversations.

Dan Delagrange thinks he should be paid the same as the president for being his equal in stupidity.

Image by evarinaldi, violentz.

Previous articleWhite House Chef Prepares Hot Dog Mac And Cheese For 365th Consecutive Night
Dan Delagrange is a comedy writer and basketball nerd living in Chicago. Along with writing for The Whiskey Journal, he hosts the Below The Rim podcast, and he was a contributor at StarWipe and a writer for Scott Dikkers's book, "Trump's America: Buy This Book And Mexico Will Pay For It".