SOCHI, Russia — NBC’s Bob Costas, anchoring the company’s Olympics coverage for the thirteenth straight Olympiad, confirmed Tuesday that the pinkeye he has been suffering from was caused by Olympic athletes farting on his pillow.
“What started as a funny joke with just the contestants from women’s snowboard slopestyle final has quickly escalated,” Costas said rubbing his eyes. “I’m honestly scared to go to sleep at night.”
“Yeah, I farted on Bob Costas’ pillow,” said 2014 Sochi Gold Medal Olympian Jamie Anderson. “We pretty much all did.”
Costas’ infection looked worse than ever on Monday’s broadcast as the bacterial conjunctivitus has now spread to both eyes.
“Why are there no locks on these goddamned doors?” said Costas, regarding the sad state of the Sochi hotel accomodations.
NBC has announced Matt Lauer will replace Costas until the infection clears up, marking the first time in 26 years that someone other than Costas will host the Olympic primetime show on NBC.
At press time, Costas refused to speak with the media and instead was found crying, tightly grasping a new pillow from Постель Ванная и на последующий период, a Russian version of Bed Bath and Beyond.
Kyle Scanlan doesn’t get pinkeye, he gives it.