Blood Drive To Benefit At-Risk Child Vampires


SAN JOSE, Calif. — Isaiah’s Holy Covenant Hospital announced Thursday that all proceeds from their annual blood drive will help feed undernourished child vampires in need of human blood.

“We really want to make a positive impact on the lives of our fanged youth,” said hospital spokesman Peter Tokarski.

Recent reports that four out of five Transylvanian youngsters aren’t getting the blood they need prompted the hospital to take action. The scarcity of human blood has driven many vampire parents to feed their offspring sheep’s blood. Nutrition experts say this simply doesn’t cut it. Inadequate blood intake has many detrimental effects on young vampires who are still developing.

“What these kids need is fresh, sticky, delicious blood straight from the circulatory system of a healthy human,” insists Undead Surgeon General Cassius Covington. “It’s the only way to prevent dulling of the fangs and increased sensitivity to sunlight.”

The hospital has asked people with particularly rare blood types to donate, as it is often the tastiest.

“O negative has this especially crisp taste that really hits the spot,” Cassius added.

The drive hopes to provide nutrition to little monsters that may have a hard time sustaining their power on their parents’ working class and lower middle class incomes.

“I can only work nights, you know, because of the sun, and when I get home I’m too tired to go out and harvest blood for the kids,” said Amy Sell, vampire and mother of three little ghouls. “So it’s just wonderful that the drive will help my kids stay healthy and happy. The IV bags are very convenient to pack into a lunch too.”

Tokarski said that all donors will receive a complimentary Nosferatu pin and an “I GOT SUCKED” t-shirt.

“It feels good knowing that we can help satiate a child’s murderous bloodthirst when they need it the most,” said Tokarski.

Patrick Reilly has never donated blood and now he definitely never will. 

Image via flickr.